Poets, Bards & Liars - Humorous Compilation

The character above was graciously provided by Nate Owens, a commercial artist. Nate's a very nice man but his lawyer is one mean SOB & I wouldn't take it if I was you.

A man owned a small ranch in West Texas. The Wage and Hour Department of Texas claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a month plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. I pay him $10 a week and buy him chewing tobacco, replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit", says the agent.

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, "My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings."

The second little boy pipes up, "Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes."

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, "My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt."

"Really, have you seen it?" reply the boys.

The third boy responds, "No, but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear ..."

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope!" said the man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years"

Two Texans were eating dinner at a posh NY City restaurant. While enjoying their meal, they noticed the lady at the next table began to choke & cough.

After a few minutes of no one going to help the lady in distress, the first cowboy jumped up, grabbed her by the ankles & flipped her over. His partner then came over, pulled down her panties & started to lick her derriere. Astonished, the woman gagged & coughed up the food she was choking on. The cowboys pulled up her panties, flipped her upright & sat her back in her seat.

On the way back to their table, one cowboy commented to the other, "See Jed, I told you that "hind-lick maneuver" would come in handy someday."

Three Texans, Slim, Billy Bob & Bubba died & went to heaven. They were met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates who explained that although it was late & God had retired for the evening, he had asked Albert Einstein to show them around & keep them entertained until morning. After Einstein had introduced himself to Slim, he asked: "By the way, Slim, what was your IQ when you were alive?" "159" said Slim. "Great!," said Einstein. We'll discuss my general theory of relativity & maybe a little unified field theory as I show you around." "What an exciting opportunity," said Slim.

Einstein then introduced himself to Billy Bob & when he was done he said: "Tell me, Billy Bob, what was your IQ when you were alive?" "141." Said Billy Bob. "Good," said Einstein. "If you'd like, we can discuss a little mathematics & philosophy as I point out the heavenly sights." "Nothing I'd like better!" was Billy Bob's reply.

After Einstein had introduced himself to Bubba, he asked: "What was your IQ when you were alive, Bubba?" "58" said Bubba. Punching him on the arm, Einstein said: "Hey Bubba, How 'bout them Cowboys!"

A bride & groom were wed at a very elegant ceremony with 300 guests attending. After the ceremony the groom stepped to the microphone & informed the guests that he had something for each one of them & asked them to look under their seats & remove the envelopes taped underneath. Inside were very explicit photographs of the bride & the best man doing what comes natural. The groom thanked everyone for coming & had the marriage annulled the next day.

Anyone who thinks marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't know much about fractions or women.

A "horsey person" asked a friend of mine to help show off her high dollar pony to prospective buyers who were all gathered at an arena. Rudy put the horse through the paces, showed a few moves & then stopped in front of the buyers to let them ogle the merchandise. The owner, trying to sound knowledgeable while emphasizing all the good points, looks at Rudy & says, "Does he have any "cow" in him?" Rudy, weary of the owners BS replies, "No M'am, they don't breed outside their species."

A ranch hand is out checking his cows after a big storm & as he rides down through a wash he sees something brass colored sticking up out of the sand. He dismounts & digs out this old brass lamp & as he's rubbin' the dirt off, "poof", a big puff of smoke & out comes a genie. The genie says "I can grant you three wishes but I must warn you that anything you get, your mother in law gets twice what you wish for. The cowboy says "OK, sounds fair to me. I want the biggest ranch in the world with plenty of water & the greenest grass anywhere." The genie says OK, "poof", you have it, but now your mother in law has a ranch that's twice as big with twice the cows & grass." The cowboy says "OK, now I want to be the richest man in the world with a huge mansion on a hill overlookin' my ranch." The genie says "OK, "poof", you now have your money & the mansion but your mother in law has a house twice as big & she's the richest woman in the world." The cowboy says "OK, now beat me half to death."

Proper English lady to a cowboy, "You haven't always been a cowboy, have you?"

Three ranch hands, LC, Bubba and Boudreaux, rode in for dinner one afternoon and the foreman told them that a lady photographer had come from back east and was looking for ranch cowboys to be in her picture book. Well, they got all excited, met with the lady and agreed to let her capture some pictures, as long as they weren't gonna be caught doing anything embarassing or just plain stupid. Boudreaux, the youngest of the hands, was a big strapping good looking feller and the lady was absolutely charmed by his good looks and decorous behavior. When she was ready to depart, she sashayed by Boudreaux with a big old grin and said that she'd see him bright and early the next morning, and to be sure and bring his accouterments.

The hands mounted up and headed back to work and LC and Leroy are just jabberin away about how neat it's gonna be to have their picture in a book, and make a little money besides. Then they noticed that Boudreaux wasn't saying anything and looked kinda troubled. Leroy inquired as to what was on his mind and Boudreaux says: " Well Leroy, payday ain't till next week and I ain't got no accouterment."

Range Rider Wood says that he don't mind his hair turnin gray…..He just wishes it'd stop turnin loose!

A hand in Louisiana had him a prolapsed cow and was determined that he could handle it himself instead of spendin money on a vet. He pushed and wiggled and fought for all he was worth, he tried lard, the whiskey bottle trick and everything he could think of, but nothing worked. Finally he grabs ahold of both sides of the chute, plants his foot on the innerds, shoves with all his might and SWUMP, buries his leg right up to the knee in that ol cows backside.

Now, just stop and get a mental picture of this. Here's this hand a hangin up on the chute, got his leg buried plumb up to the knee and this cow is havin a caterwallin fit trying to get away from whatever it is that's stuck up her butt and L shaped at the end.

End of the story is that he gets his leg out, minus the boot, calls the vet to come get his boot back and the vet bill was more than what he paid for the boots.

Cajun definition of an armadillo………………………..'Possum on a half shell

My wife's grandfather is a retired rancher from down around Del Rio, Tx. & for as long as I've known him he's had a motor home, or trailer, & just goes where ever he feels like & enjoys life. I'd heard a story about him several years ago & was curious as to whether it was true or not, so he came to visit & I asked: "Gramps, I heard that you told one of your wives (6) that you were going to the store after a loaf of bread, mounted up into your Winnebago & didn't come home for six months, is that true? He chuckled and says:" Naw, … I never did own a Winnebago."

In the late 1800's mail order houses began sending out catalogs which became interesting reading material for cowhands on isolated ranches. One old cowboy obtained the address for one of these outfits & wrote 'em a letter ordering some toilet paper. They wrote back & asked him to please look in his catalog & include the item number with his order. He promptly wrote them back & told 'em that if he had the catalog he wouldn't need the toilet paper.