Copyright 1996-Chuck Pritchard
HALF PAST JIM
Now I once had a friend that we called ol' Jim
A hell of a man & we was sure awful fond of him
He'd work like a dog just to make ends meet
And the only time he complained was about the bunions on his feet
He'd done just about everything under the sun
And his only downfall was that he was, well,... sorta dumb
But you couldn't argue because he was so damned big
He'd jerk you around like some little old twig
The only problem with Jim was that he was always late
Couldn't never be on time, not even for a date
So we just learned to compensate for him
And that's how he got the name "Half Past Jim"
One fall we'd worked ourselves plumb out of a job
A gatherin' strays for some eastern snob
So ol Jim says he knows where we can bunk till the thaw hits
Ridin a line camp for his "friends" little outfit
I said good, lets get packed & hit the road
I'm ready for a little bit of Mexico
He said, "No, not on this trip"
"We gotta go sorta northwest a bit"
I says, "Now just how northwest is "sorta," Jim"
As I inquisitively glared at him
He says, "Now don't you start a hollering & squealin"
But it's right in the middle of that old Gila"
I inquired as to whether he'd gone plumb nuts
That place would be covered with flaky white stuff
We had flat land horses for the most part
And when old Spook gets cold, hell he needs a jump start
He assured me that everything would be just fine
His "friend" had guaranteed him some "gravy" time
Weren't nothing to the place, it'd nearly run itself
And he'd stocked us with groceries, just flat loaded the shelves
Well, needless to say, old Jim's "friend" had lied
That place was a wreck, man we coulda' died
Half the shingles had gone amiss
And the rest is just too damned long to lists
Our "ranch truck" was a '47 Willy's with a halfbreed drivetrain
And the two horses we found were just about lame
But the worst feature of the whole danged place
Was the structure where we were supposed void our waste
It sat on a hill overlooking the range
With a haphazard lean, it sure looked strange
And some little critter from Lord knows where
Had knawed the seat and left splinters sticking out everywhere
Old Jim says "Have no fear"
"I'll fix us up, don't despair"
I asked as to where he was gonna get the wood
To repair the throne like he should
He said he wasn't gonna let 'em do it again
Defacing a throne was an awful sin
And with the aid of a big old stop sign
He said he didn't need no danged old pine
He commenced construction of the ultimate seat
And me and Ol Spook went off to find some quiet and peace
We rode up onto the side of a nearby hill
And listened to Jim beat and bang amid the calls of the whipoorwills
Well after a while the noise started to subside
And we came back down from our retreat up on the hillside
There was Jim a grinnin with a look of relief
He had truly constructed an outhouse masterpiece
Not a weld or a seam in sight
Smooth as glass and just gleaming in the sunlight
Contoured and curved, he said it was sure to fit
Said he was even thinking of sellin' 'em, they oughta be a hit
Now I'll give him this, his seat sure was fine
That is until it was getting close to true wintertime
I just couldn't abide that refrigerated seat
And took to the bushes to achieve my feats
But Jim was hooked on that ultimate seat
And said he wouldn't have no other to perform his feats
He stuck with it no matter how cold it got
That's one hell of a man to sit on that pot
One day ol Jim went off to check on our cows
And old Roany slipped & we just don't know how
But Jim bailed off just in the nick of time
Before Roany went off & down to his demise
Now Jim was off several miles from the camp
The snow was falling & the air kinda damp
So by the time he arrived he was soaking wet
From a combination of the snow and sweat
I told old Jim that he oughta change clothes
Being as how he was wet & gonna get cold
He said his nerves was ragged & ripped
And out to the throne he was gonna go sit
Well, I dozed off for about an hour
And when I woke up there wasn't much of a fire
No Jim either, so I figured I'd better go check
And see what happened to the old roughneck
I stepped outside and heard the dangdest clatter
Come to find out it was Jim's teeth achatterin'
He was stuck to that seat just like he was glued
And his poor old body was turnin' plumb blue
Seems his clothes and skin was so wet
That when he set on that seat he was set
And no matter how hard he tried
Away from that pot he couldn't get pried
I was gonna go get a wrench
And unbolt him from the refrigerated stench
But he says, "You can't, I welded it to the frame
And in doing so used up all the acetylene"
I said" Well, Jim the fire is out and I don't know what to do"
"What in the world am I gonna do with you?"
He says, "I d-d-d-don't care w-w-what you d-d-d-do"
"J-J-Just get m-m-m-me off of t-t-t-this damned s-s-s-stool!!"
Now there was no doubt that I had to act fast
Or poor ol Jim just wasn't gonna last
I had to get an idea lit
Or his cahones was gonna be frostbit
So I headed for the barn and grabbed ol Spook
Throwed my hull on his back and jerked the slack
I picked out a 7/16 with a medium hard twist
And headed for Jim and the outhouse shack
I told him to put the loop around his middle
And I'd have him off there faster'n a rabbit could piddle
He said, "Man, ain't that gonna hurt"
I said, "Na, just like pulling a tooth, you won't even have time to say
shoot"
I mounted ol Spook (with a hump in his back)
And eased up until there was just about two feet of slack
I give him his head and goosed him in the ribs
And a ride like that I hope I never have again
That sucker blowed straight up, just about sky high
And when we landed he sure thumped my thighs
Then off to the left and back into hisself
I thought "Lord Almighty, I need some help!!"
Then I heard a crash and the outhouse groaned
And I heard ol Jim let out an awful moan
I chunked my dally and dismounted my horse
And the site I saw was pretty coarse
There lay ol Jim, with his head busted and his pants around his knees
But that wasn't the worse that there was to see
His skin had stuck to his masterpiece seat
And he was peeled like a banana from his back to his knees
There were even some chunks amiss from his derriere
And I briefly wondered how a taxidermist would fare
Then I dosed him with butte and loaded him in the truck
Took him to the Doc and wished 'em luck
Well, you know how it is when your in a small town
And it didn't take long for the story to get all around
Ol Jim ain't to happy with the end results
And all he's ridin' these days is a ragged old truck
But the worse part I think is that when people recognize him
He's now referred to as "Half Assed Jim"
|
