Poets, Bards & Liars - The Nut Lever

POETS, BARDS & LIARS

The Nut Lever

Somewhere, today, on some outfit out there

At the height of modern mechanism

A fellow is carefully castrating bulls

With a contrivance of Italian derision

The last slash of the knife?

Pop of the rubber band?

End of the emasculator?

Well, you haven't lived full

'Til you've clamped all your bulls

With a Burdizzio bloodless castrator!

Now, it comes in four sizes

Making it handy for various types of mammals

Use it on sheep, use it on bulls

Horses, or the occasional camel

Small, medium, large and the fourth

For horses called, "Indian Size"

Now, do you honestly think

The Italian inventor has since realized

I've seen a few red men

And I'll give this testimony

There may be some big Indians out there

But with cajones the size of a pony?!

All that aside, this contraption is intended

To cut the cord not cutting the scrotum

But it's complicated!

The nemesis of the modern factotum

Because a sizable bull has a sizable pouch

You'll want to work in a team

The bigger the bull the harder the work

And the broader the clampin' scheme

Your partner should be a good hand

One that you like - or one that you hate

'Cause he could be the difference between

A STEER (well-clamped) or a BULL (simply irate)

If your the one doing the spottin'

Position it right but don't linger

For if pard's quicker than the nod of yer head

He may up and clamp off your dang finger!

Painful? Well, it's very similar to the crunch you feel

When your finger is caught in a vice

Sometimes, I'd swear, it weren't meant for bulls

But is, instead, a torture device

And woe the bull that wasn't clamped well

His life is a virtual hell

His sack is inflamed, infected in fact

It's a sight to make your own sack swell!

A day clampin' bulls is a day workin' out

Every muscle feels the whole load

And many's the man that strained so hard

The veins in his forehead explode

The last slash of the knife?

Pop of the rubber band?

The end of the emasculator?

You haven't lived full 'til you clamped all your bulls

With a Burdizzio bloodless castrator

But, thanks all the same. I've had enough

Of this life - saving, labor saver

As for the bull, he thinks I'm a fool

Give me a knife, and I'll do us both a favor.